A LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY

In bleak dark hours of night I awaken.
The panic of the moment flushes my adrenals,
And my heart pounds.
Fear of not finding the day grabs my guts,
And they wrench.

I find you beside me.
The warmth of your touch soothes.
You stroke my face and stare into my eyes
        in the dim light of night.
You say that things will be OK,
        and for a moment, I reach ease.

I dream.
I see what could be, but is not.
I touch what is near, but it is far.
I hold what seems real, but it vanishes.
My mind replays facts, memories, and feelings.
I awaken.
It is dark.
I pray.

Hope comes.
You bring my hope.
Thoughts of you arouse my body and my mind.
I plow at the fields of fertile thoughts
        with the new tools that are your gift.
I arrive in earlier times of my life
        to relive lost moments that haunt me,
Moments that leak their pain across time,
Moments that close windows of my mind
        keeping light out.

Ghosts become my companions.
Anger swells,
        and I scream in anguish and distress.
I embrace these lost moments, these lost loves,
        these lost passions.
And hope builds.

I awaken; it is still night.
The night is so long
        as in Winter's shortest day.
Will light come?
Will the new day soon be here?
And what will it bring?

For a very long time of my life's night
        I  have sought light in futile ways.
It has escaped me. I have escaped it.
Like a stubborn lost traveler
        I have driven wrong roads;
        Made wrong turns;
        Lost precious time;
        Refused maps.

You appear.
Like time's hitch-hiker you join my journey.
I welcome you as my travel companion;
It seems you have traveled these roads before.
Because you were lost once,
        I am found now.
You become my way
        and my road.

The long journey out of night
        begins with small joyful trips
        visiting new places with you.
And I long to visit such places
        again and again
        in an endless vacation
        of love's travel with you.

Again I awaken, and
        mixing dreams with reality,
        I reach for the warmth of your touch.
Your name is on my lips.
Your face is in my mind.
But I find my bed is empty
        as the light of morning pierces
        with unusual intensity.
And I miss you, my love,
        knowing that I have found my light
        through you.